MEMORIAL EVENT

April 21, 2018, 1pm – 4pm

SUPPORTING THOSE GRIEVING A SUICIDE

You may be at a loss as to how to be with someone who has lost someone close to them by suicide.  You may even be tempted to stay away for fear that you might say the wrong thing. Survivors need the support and care of their community and it is important that those with them understand what is most nurturing in this situation.

For those of you familiar with Nonviolent Communication (NVC), the advice given by many experts around supporting survivors of suicide boils down to staying in empathy with them.  If we avoid non-empathic responses, we will avoid saying many of the things which have been highlighted as being particularly unsupportive.

For those of you not familiar with NVC, the following is a list of Do’s & Don’ts compiled from the advice of a number of groups supporting suicide survivors.

Do’s

1. Show up – Friends sometimes avoid survivors because of their own discomfort with suicide or out of worry about saying the wrong thing.  Your presence matters.
2. Think about how you connect – Many people use texting and social media to share information and find out what is happening with others.  A recent death is a topic that is probably too sensitive to discuss by text or over social media.  When reaching out to someone who has recently lost a love one, personal connection is an important part of the support you can offer.  A visit in person or a phone call will usually offer more opportunity for this than a social media message.
3. When the time is right, offer very specific assistance – It is hard for people who have gone through a loss to figure out how you can help.  So saying, “Let me know if I can be of help,” often is not helpful at all. Please be specific about what kinds of support you would like to offer, e.g.: “I’d like to bring dinner on Tuesday night.”  So many different things can be helpful at this time: making meals, giving rides, doing chores, providing emotional presence.
4. Be present for whatever comes up for the mourner – Give survivors the space to express whatever they are experiencing or not to express anything at all.
   
5. Nonverbal support – Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. Stay present with the survivor and offer them whatever touch they are comfortable with and want in the moment.
6. If you have children, be there for them – Like adults, young people are likely to have big feelings and questions when hearing that a young person has died.  This is a time when all of us need space to share our feelings. Young people might also need support in how to approach family members of the one who has died.  Consider going over some of the ideas on this page to see how they might incorporate them when talking to siblings of the person who has died.
7. Educate yourself about suicide – Your questions and doubts can get in the way of connecting with those who have survived a loss by suicide.  Educating yourself before talking with a survivor will reduce the temptation to ask questions which might land as painful. There is a lot of information available on suicide and how best to support survivors of suicide.  A few possible sources are:
   • American Foundation for the Prevention of Suicide
     Practical Information for Immediately After a Loss

• • American Society of Suicidology
    Suicide Loss Survivors

• • Harvard Medical School
    Left behind after suicide
    

Don’ts

1. Don’t ask questions – Although you may feel curious about the details of the suicide and its immediate aftermath, recognize how asking questions about intimate details can land as invasive and painful. Allow those grieving to decide themselves when and to whom they want to speak about the details.
2. Don’t minimize or reassure – Don’t say things which might minimize the sense of loss of a survivor, e.g. “At least you still have…” or “This will get better with time.”  Rather than attempting to reduce the loss and pain, recognize the deep suffering and meet the survivor there.
3. Don’t give advice – Unsolicited advice, like minimizing comments, can land as not recognizing how the survivor is feeling right now.
4. Don’t say “commit” – The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention recommends against using the verb “commit” when talking about suicide.  The word commit has a connotation of wrongness, as in committing a sin or a crime. Their advice is to use phrases such as “die by suicide” to avoid further stigmatizing this type of death.
5. Don’t spiritualize the loss – Comments such as “Everything happens for a reason” or “They are in a better place” or invoking a god may not land as comfort to a survivor who doesn’t share your spiritual views.  Also, those grieving may feel angry or bewildered at the god they do believe in.
6. Don’t imply blame – Questions such as “Did you see this coming?” imply that the survivor might have been able to prevent the suicide.  Almost all survivors struggle with thoughts such as this, and the associated feelings of guilt. Don’t inadvertently reinforce this with something you say.
7. Don’t say negative things about the person who has died – Anger is a normal stage in the grieving process.  Make sure to get support yourself around any feelings of anger so that you can be fully present to the experience of the survivor when you speak to them.
8. Don’t refer to suicide as a choice – To suggest that a person in pain is making a fully conscious, well-considered choice is likely not true, and can land as extremely painful to those grieving.